At Witz End

Jim* sat at the end of the conference table, arms folded firmly across his chest. "Jim, what do you think? You're been at this the longest, what should we do?" Our bids to engage him did little to move him. It was the fourth meeting to review the recommendation on the path forward, and it seemed like we were doomed to continue spinning in circles. Jim was the most knowledgeable, but after repeated rejections of his ideas early on, he had resigned himself to giving the team the silent treatment. 

"Jim, it seems like you think we aren't going to listen to what you have to say." 

BOOM, the floodgates opened. "It's not that. I'm frustrated because we're spinning in circles when we know the right answer but no one wants to just make the decision and move on." 

"How do you think we should move forward?" 

"Well I would start by..." and we were back on our way to a resolution.

This story highlights the power of a technique called "labeling," which I first learned about when I read Never Split the Difference (coincidentally one of the most practical books on human psychology I've ever read). The formula is pretty simple: 

It [seems / sounds / looks] like [observation or guess about what is happening]. 

This phrase taps into a powerful psychological principle - it's much less threatening to talk about something when it is detached from our sense of self. If we had asked Jim, "Are you ignoring us because you think we won't listen to you?" it would have immediately put him on the defensive because of the accusation that he's ignoring the team. By making the conversation about the observation, Jim feels much safer to engage. Because you're not asserting anything but rather describing your perception, it is also reduces the likelihood of escalating the tension.

This technique is one of the most versatile verbal techniques you can use to have better conversations. I plan on revisiting some of the more nuanced uses of labeling in the future, so I will end with some "starter labels" you can try: